Fanfics In 5 Seconds
by INFERNOX
Summary: What happens when I complete a fanfiction? I have to abridge it! Watch as fanfics I write become abridged in just one chapter! Randomness that not only explains the story's plot but is also strangely accurate will ensue. Hooray for abridging!
1. Kingdom Hearts: For True Story Abridged

**Random thought: what happens if you make an Abridged series of a fanfiction? This is the result. Fanfics In 5 Minutes! This series parodies finished fanfictions I created!**

**Each chapter will be parodying a different fanfiction I have made and completed.  
**

**NOTE: ALL MATERIAL USED IN EACH CHAPTER IS OWNED BY THEIR RESPECTIVE COMPANIES. I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING OUTSIDE OF FAN CHARACTERS.**

**SECOND NOTE: NOT ALL FANFICS READ MAY BE UNDER 5 MINUTES. Obviously. :P  
**

**Fanfics In 5 Minutes  
**

_Chapter One: Kingdom Hearts: For True Story_

Roxas was running through the Dark City, wielding both his Keyblades as he did so. "For a barely explained reason, I somehow beat Riku like how all fanon wanted me to!" Roxas laughed, before turning sad again. "Now I must avenge Xion's death by killing Xemnas! Because that's how to solve all your life's problems! Killing something!"

**"Aren't you and Xion the same person?" INFERNOX asked.**

"Shut up, we are not!" Roxas cried, before continuing to run towards The Castle That Never Was. Roxas then severely beat down a bunch of Nobodies in such a fashion that if Sephiroth saw this, he would fall to his knees and cry like a baby.

"I would not," Sephiroth growled, before randomly leaving. Roxas continuing to beat up Nobodies in this murderous fashion, while steeling his face and saying nothing at all.

"_Being emotionally scarred and confused makes me relatable to my fans," _Roxas thought, chuckling as he did so. Roxas screamed a warrior scream and slashed through many Nobodies, before getting into the Crooked Ascension. Roxas stood on the Crooked Ascension while it slowly lifted upwards, his arms crossed as elevator music played. Several Nobodies were next to Roxas, also bored.

"So, you come here often?" Roxas asked the Nobodies. However, a ding was heard, and the Crooked Ascension stopped at the Twilight's View. "Oh. Here we are. DIEEEE!"

Roxas then continued to beat up the Nobodies effortlessly before entering the Hall of Empty Melodies. "Hmm...despite the fact that this is obviously a trap, I'm going to go ahead anyways!" Roxas growled, before running forwards. Both exits to the Hall Of Empty Melodies then shut, making Roxas gasp.

"AH! ...wait, why isn't this platform falling? It's not held up by anything, so how...?" Roxas questioned, before Sai"X dropped down to face Roxas.

"Now, Roxas, for humiliating me on Day 356 of Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days, I'm going to defeat you and make sure that you never leave this castle again!" Sai"X growled.

"Dude, why do you have a quote or something in your name? What, Saix wasn't good enough for you?" Roxas laughed.

"Shut up!" Sai"X growled.

"Nah, I kinda like screwing with you. After all, you are the essence of all things douche," Roxas insulted.

"I said shut up!" Sai"X warned.

"No!" Roxas cried. "I don't wanna shut up! You can't make me!"

"Yes I ca-!" Sai"X began, before being slashed in the torso by Roxas and falling to the ground afterwards. Sai"X slowly got up, irritated. "You've done well...Roxas..."

"Yeah, whatever," Roxas sighed, walking past Sai"X on the newly formed exit path as he did so. However, as soon as Roxas opened the door leading to the next part of The Castle That Never Was, Xaldin stepped in front of him, his eyes glaring down at Roxas. Roxas clenched his fists, shook his arms, and screamed like a little girl before fainting. Sai"X got back up, completely irritated.

"How did you do that!" Sai"X shouted.

"My sideburns are the equivalent of HELL ITSELF," Xaldin bellowed, his eyes wide as he did so.

"What!" Sai"X growled. Xemnas then appeared between Sai"X and Xaldin.

"Good job, fellows," Xemnas praised. "You both have captured the elusive Roxas."

"Then where did he go?" Xaldin asked, pointing to the ground as he did so. Xemnas and Sai"X looked down and saw Roxas had apparently used a Corridor of Darkness to flee.

"YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!" Xemnas screamed. "This is all your fault Sai"X!"

"MY fault!" Sai"X gaped.

"Sai"X, I'm demoting you to janitor status! Xaldin, you are now second-in-command!" Xemnas ordered.

"...hoorah," Xaldin emotionlessly growled, before leaving in a Corridor of Darkness. Sai"X threw himself at Xemnas's feet, his eyes welled up with tears.

"No! Please don't do that, Superior! What will the Saix-nas yaoi fanbase think of us!" Sai"X cried. "And more importantly, what about the Xem-aldin yaoi fanbase! If word gets out about this, the Saix-nas fanbase will be no more!"

"It's a risk I'm willing to take, Sai"X," Xemnas growled.

"Please, do it for the fanbase!" Sai"X cried.

"No," Xemnas answered.

"Do it for me?" Sai"X whimpered.

"NO," Xemnas growled.

"Do it for Saix Puppy?" Sai"X asked, for some reason now sporting two dog ears, a ":3" face, and a tail.

"...no," Xemnas sighed.

"Oh, you are heartless," Sai"X growled, normal again.

"No, I'm a Nobody. Get your facts straight," Xemnas growled, before disappearing in a Corridor of Darkness.

* * *

Meanwhile, Riku laid on the ground in front of the Memory's Skyscraper, unconscious. A Corridor of Darkness opened near his location, and DiZ and Namine both walked out.

"Riku...I forgot to tell you," DiZ began. "We borrowed your Soul Eater Keyblade before you left. Did you need it for...oh, he's unconscious."

"We have to help him!" Namine cried.

"Shut up, Namine," DiZ growled.

"Yes, sir..." Namine sighed. DiZ picked up Riku and walked back into the Corridor of Darkness with Namine following. Both DiZ and Namine were let out outside Twilight Town's old mansion. As Namine and DiZ walked up to the door, Namine began thinking profusely.

"_Why must this happen? Roxas didn't deserve this. But DiZ is so angered by Nobodies he doesn't care who he hurts. I feel broken, but I have to continue moving!_" Namine sadly thought.

"Namine, stop developing your character and do something more important. Like open this door," DiZ growled.

"But I'm trying to provide genuine interest to my character since Riku is unconscious and you're shrouded in mystery!" Namine explained. "If I don't do that, everyone will just think our part of the story is pointless filler!"

"Shut up, Namine," DiZ growled. "And open the door before I give you a harsh reprimand."

"Yes, sir..." Namine sighed, opening the door as DiZ walked inside. Namine followed DiZ up the steps to the Library, where DiZ phased through the holographic floor to the secret computer room below. Namine followed suit, still sad about her lack of character development. Oh, and of Roxas, of course.

"Namine, what did I just say about character development?" DiZ growled as they walked into Sora's pod room.

"But I wasn't thinking anything this time!" Namine cried. DiZ just set down Riku, before turning to Namine.

"You Nobodies never think," DiZ growled.

"Why do you insult me?" Namine whined.

"Shut up, Namine," DiZ growled.

"Yes, sir..." Namine sighed. Riku then slowly woke up, rubbing his head as he did so.

"Woah...I just had this weird vision that we were all inside a video game called Kingdom Hearts..." Riku muttered.

"Riku, don't be stupid. Those are thoughts of Nobodies," DiZ growled.

"Okay, that's blatant racism towards Nobody-kind!" Namine cried out.

"Shut up, Namine," DiZ growled.

"THAT'S IT!" Namine screamed. "I'm going to follow my hormones and be with Roxas and help him in more ways than one!"

With that, Namine stormed out of the room via Corridor of Darkness. Riku stared at where Namine was in shock, before turning to DiZ. "Should I bring her back?" Riku offered.

"Oh god no," DiZ sighed. "The last thing I need right now is a PMS-ing Nobody."

* * *

Roxas lied on the ground behind some shops in Hollow Bastion, before slowly waking up and sitting up. When Roxas sat up, he looked to his side and saw Namine on her knees overlooking Roxas, smiling peacefully.

"Hello, Roxas," Namine greeted in her soothing voice.

"...did we just make love?" Roxas asked, dazed.

"I wish..." Namine muttered.

"Huh?" Roxas wondered.

"Look, we need to get you to a place where you can heal properly. You're pretty banged up," Namine informed.

"Huh?" Roxas gaped, before looking down and seeing that he looked like someone who had just lost a bar fight. "How did this happen? I wasn't injured five minutes ago!"

"I found you like this," Namine informed.

"Then who did this?" Roxas wondered. Unknown to Roxas and Namine, at the far end of the area the two were at was Sephiroth, whom was standing at the end of the roadway, angry.

"_A Kingdom Hearts fanfic without me? Bah,_" Sephiroth angrily growled. "_Well, at least Cloud isn't in this..."_

While Sephiroth went off to contemplate the fact that Cloud would be the only Final Fantasy-based character introduced in Hollow Bastion (for Kingdom Hearts II, of course) to not appear in the storyline (aside from Sephiroth), Namine helped Roxas to his feet and began dragging him down to the Marketplace.

"Uh, Namine?" Roxas began. "I appreciate this, but do you have any idea where we're going? Or why we came down here in the first place?"

"Oh, we need to find you a place to be healed!" Namine explained.

"But we just exited the marketplace...full of Potions...and healing items..." Roxas explained.

"Hey, what are you kids doing here?" Leon asked, walking up to them.

"Oh, my friend got mugged and we're trying to find him a place to be healed!" Namine pointed out.

"...why didn't you buy Potions at the marketplace?" Leon asked.

"Because we need to heal him!" Namine giggled.

"...what's your name kid?" Leon asked.

"Namine!" Namine answered.

"Shut up, Namine," Leon growled.

"Yes, sir..." Namine sighed, before taking Roxas and following Leon inside Merlin's home. Of course, Merlin wasn't in this fic either, much to his chagrin.

"Oh, come now! They use my house but forget me! What kind of fanfic is this!" Merlin huffed, before going to watch Sephiroth's and Cloud's latest fight over a potato chip. Leon led Roxas and Namine inside Leon's home, where they met Aerith.

"Oh goodness me...it seems another boy was injured by the Heartless..." Aerith gasped.

"...yeah that's probably it," Namine chuckled.

"Do not worry. I can cast Plot Device Spell...I mean Curaga," Aerith offered. Namine laid Roxas on Merlin's bed, and soon Aerith cast a Curaga spell on Roxas.

"Huh...I don't remember this being in the actual fic," Namine realized.

"Shut up, Namine," Aerith growled.

"Yes, sir...I mean, madam," Namine sighed. Then Yuffie ran in.

"Guys! Heartless are attacking!" Yuffie shouted.

"Don't worry; we can handle this! Let's go!" Leon shouted, before he, Yuffie, and Aerith all ran outside.

* * *

"Fellow Organization members!" Xemnas announced. "Today is a glorious day! We have finally fixed the broken Wi-Fi throughout the entire castle!"

This was greeted with a loud, roaring applause. "Oh yeah, we also have new Organization members, and you all will have to be their mentors," Xemnas ordered. This was greeted with a loud groan.

"Aw man..." Demyx sighed.

"Hey shut up Demyx! I got you your freaking Wi-Fi; don't complain!" Xemnas growled.

"I thought we got rid of the buddy program when Marluxia and Larxene joined," Xigbar sighed.

"Look, I didn't know Marluxia was a cunning homicidal maniac with a taste for blood," Xemnas growled. "And as for Larxene...what she did was best left unsaid."

"I still can't get the smell out of my room..." Demyx whined. "Oh, by the way, I need another package of air fresheners!"

"It's in the mail," Xemnas announced.

"Sweet," Demyx chuckled.

"Anyways, introducing the newbies! Please welcome Sin Juxt, Phosnext, Elinx, Alexx, Exsan, Stexven, and Cxnik. These guys are completely original and are totally not anagrams of the main OC cast of Sonic's Reality Check with an "x" thrown in there," Xemnas announced.

"Yeah, we're just that original! I'm not on drugs!" Alexx chuckled.

"...I really hate this series," Axel groaned.

"Oh? And why would you be complaining?" Xemnas growled.

"Because you've sent me to fight and kill my friends," Axel groaned.

"Well, it's not my fault you choose the shortest straw at every meeting!" Xemnas growled.

"Hey, I have a rather pertinent question," Cxnik began. "Do we serve anything to the plot?"

"...uh...that's...uh...you see..." Xemnas began.

"You just put them in as useless filler, didn't you?" Xaldin growled.

"Look, we're dealing with Roxas here, okay? After he beat the crap out of Sai"X, I had to take precautions," Xemnas explained.

"...and how many of us will be plot-relevant?" Alexx asked.

"Uh...well, answer this: some will be minor characters, some will be obscure characters, and some will just be useless filler," Xemnas answered.

"Oh joy," Exsan sighed.

"Now, move! I must have my alone time to stare at a moon and hopefully become a sparkly vampire!" Xemnas announced. "THIS MEETING IS ADJOURNED!"

* * *

Riku walked through the Bailey of Hollow Bastion, bumping into walls as he did so. "_Seriously, how does DiZ expect me to find anything with this damn blindfold on!_" Riku angrily thought. While grumbling, a replica of Riku stared at him, silent, before donning a black Organization cloak.

"Alright! With the real Riku distracted by a piece of black cloth, I can impersonate him and fight Roxas for my hidden master!" the Riku-Replica chuckled. "No one will ever see this coming!"

"I can hear you," Riku grumbled.

"IGNORE ME!" the Riku-Replica laughed, before running off.

"Hey get back here!" Riku shouted, before running into another wall. "...what was I running after?"

* * *

Pete walked through the front halls of Castle Oblivion, heading towards the first door of the castle of memory. "Okay, now if I open this here door, then I can unleash the darkness of Maleficent's heart upon the world again!" Pete chuckled, before opening the doors of Castle Oblivion's first floor. Maleficent then walked out, before looking at Pete.

"What kind of stupid plot device is this?" Maleficent growled.

"It may be stupid, but this here's an original plot device!" Pete chuckled. "And at least this one makes sense. Your canon return involves three fairies remembering you. So you could say that this here memory castle kinda fits the same bill, while providing an actual legit reason for your return."

"...well, it's cheap, but it makes sense," Maleficent chuckled. "Come, Pete, let us rebuild our own Organization that will serve little to the plot other than just getting in the main character's ways."

Maleficent and Pete then disappeared via Maleficent's teleporting green flames; however, Xigbar had overhead this. "I guess snooping as usual is a good quality tactic of mine now...goood..." Xigbar chuckled.

* * *

"So...am I healed yet?" Roxas asked.

"No," Namine answered.

"Damn," Roxas growled. "This seems so much easier in the games..."

"...wanna spontaneously make out?" Namine offered.

"Eh, why not?" Roxas answered. Then both he and Namine made out on the spot. All Namioxas fangirls began squealing in joy...at least until Roxas broke the kiss.

"You know, I still love Xion?" Roxas noted.

**"Aren't you and Xion the same person?" INFERNOX asked.**

"Shut up, we are not!" Roxas cried. Then Leon, Aerith, and Yuffie burst into the room.

"We just killed some generic low-level Heartless. Worship us," Leon chuckled.

"Why?" Roxas asked.

"Because I have sexy brown hair," Leon chuckled.

"So? My hair defies gravity; the hell does yours do?" Roxas growled.

"It's BROWN," Leon smirked.

"...SO?" Roxas shouted.

"IT'S BROOOOOOOWN," Leon agitated. However, before this could continue, more Heartless appeared outside.

"Guys, more Heartless have appeared!" Yuffie forewarned.

"Again? It's not like Heartless to attack twice like that..." Namine gasped.

"Oh its just common generic enemies. They always respawn every time we step into another room," Aerith explained.

"That's dumb," Namine huffed.

"...who is your pal again, Leon?" Yuffie asked.

"Namine," Leon answered.

"Shut up, Namine," Yuffie growled.

"Yes, sir...I mean m'am," Namine sighed, before following the group outside. Roxas, defying his pain through the sheer force of nothing particularly or accurately explained, followed Namine and the others outside, when the Riku-Replica appeared.

"YO, WHAAZZZAAAAUUUPPP!" the Riku-Replica shouted.

"Riku-Replica?" Namine wondered.

"Shut up, Namine," Riku-Replica growled.

"So it IS Riku!" Roxas growled, before summoning both his Keyblades and attacking.

"Oh hell no! You ruin my face, the fanbase ruins YOU!" Riku-Replica growled, before dodging Roxas's attack.

* * *

Meanwhile, Alexx and Demyx were watching this fight, with Demyx surprised.

"Holy crap! It's Roxas!" Demyx gasped.

"Roxas? That's a stupid name," Alexx sighed.

"We have to report to base at once!" Demyx whined.

"Oh shut up. You always take the first opportunity to turn tail and run," Alexx accused.

"OBJECTION! I take the NINTH opportunity," Demyx chuckled, before taking Alexx and throwing him in a dark portal.

* * *

At the same time, the Riku-Replica did the same thing to Roxas, before running off like a coward.

"See you fakers later!" the Riku-Replica shouted.

"What the hell...?" Shadow the Hedgehog grumbled, before leaving Hollow Bastion just as mysteriously as he entered.

"We have to find Roxas!" Namine shouted.

"Shut up, Namine," the King growled.

"Yes, sir..." Namine sighed, before sitting in the corner. The King then walked up to Leon, Yuffie, and Aerith, smiling.

"Ayup! I'm ready for my part in the story!" the King chuckled.

"Where were you?" Leon asked.

"Placing Hidden Mickies across every world," the King exclaimed. At that point, Riku came onto the scene...by stumbling off the top of the bailey.

"DAMMMMMN YOOOOU, BLINDDDFOOOLLLLDDDDD!" Riku screamed, before crashing into the ground. "Ow."

"Oh heya Riku! You liking the blindfold I got you?" the King wondered. Riku then got up, angry.

"Your Majesty, this blindfold makes me wanna kill something," Riku growled.

"Then kill Maleficent! Because I know she's alive again for no adequately explored reason!" the King chuckled.

"You're right...I must do my duty, as a sacred Keyblade wielder, to defeat the darkness of all worlds, and to save my friends from the endless abyss of pain and torment that is Maleficent," Riku vowed.

"Yeah, go get 'em!" Yuffie cheered on.

"You can do this Riku," Aerith calmly encouraged.

"Don't fail us," Leon chuckled.

"That's the spirit Riku!" the King laughed.

"Be safe, Riku," Namine whimpered.

"Shut up, Namine," Xaldin growled.

"Yes, sir..." Namine sighed, before looking up (along with the rest of the group) and saw Xaldin standing there with Exsan, apparently sent on a mission to capture Namine.

"So, you're here for what reason?" Leon wondered.

"Who cares?" Exsan sighed.

"I do!" Namine cried.

"Shut up, Namine," Exsan growled.

"Yes, sir..." Namine sighed, before allowing herself to be captured along with Leon, Yuffie, Aerith, and the King.

"Wait, where'd Riku go?" Exsan asked.

* * *

Riku was then shown falling down the outer edge of Hollow Bastion's defensive walls, heading towards the Great Maw headfirst.

"DAMMMMMN YOOOOU, BLINDDDFOOOLLLLDDDDD!" Riku screamed, before crashing into the ground. "Ow."

* * *

Maleficent and Pete appeared in a flash of green flame in front of Hades, whom was plotting to, you guessed it, take over the world.

"OF COURSE!" M. Bison shouted.

"Help us take over the universe!" Maleficent ordered.

"Meh, OK," Hades sighed.

* * *

Maleficent, Pete, and Hades then appeared in a flash of green flame and black-and-yellow smoke in front of Captain Hook, whom was plotting to, you guessed it, take over the world.

"OF COURSE!" M. Bison shouted.

"Help us take over the universe!" Maleficent ordered.

"Meh, OK," Captain Hook sighed.

* * *

Maleficent, Pete, Hades, and Captain Hook then appeared in a flash of green flame and black-and-yellow smoke in front of Oogie Boogie, whom was busy plotting to figure out why Jafar appeared once in a non-speaking cameo in _Kingdom Hearts: For True Story_'s actual continuity.

"Help us take over the universe!" Maleficent ordered.

"Meh, OK," Oogie Boogie sighed.

* * *

Meanwhile, the Riku-Replica dropped off Roxas by the staircase of the Heartless Manufactory inside Hollow Bastion.

"Ouch! What the crap was that for!" Roxas growled.

"Oh, wait, this is the big reveal for my part, isn't it?" the Riku-Replica began. "You see, I am not the real Riku, but a fabrication of Riku made from Riku's memories come back to life thanks to-!"

"OK, which idiot thought this up?" Roxas groaned.

"Vexen," the Riku-Replica answered.

"Oh," Roxas sighed.

"And I was smart enough to bring him back for the fanservice!" Anti-Sora chuckled, appearing from a Corridor of Darkness as he did so.

"OMGWTFBBQ!" Roxas shouted.

"I am Anti-Sora, the replication of Sora's Heartless used by the Organization to-!" Anti-Sora began.

"Wait a minute, didn't Riku create you before the Organization was even introduced in the original _Kingdom Hearts_?" Roxas wondered.

"You're not supposed to know that," Anti-Sora growled. "Anyways, now that I am here, I am willing to-!"

"Aren't you the unlucky Drive Form that barely anyone likes in terms of strategy?" Roxas wondered.

"Do you want to see the Organization die or not?" Anti-Sora groaned.

"HELL YEAH!" Roxas shouted, summoning his Keyblade as he did so. "Despite the obvious fact that the Replica was tricking me and that you have no intentions to really help me out, if its to save Xion, I'm game!"

**"Aren't you and Xion the same person?" INFERNOX asked.**

"Shut up, we are not!" Roxas cried, before running off to the elevator leading up to the computer where Space Paranoids WOULD be if Roxas wanted to go there.

"PATHETIC USERS," the MCP shouted. "THIS STORY IS NOT WORTH YOUR TIME...AND SEPHIROTH WILL TOTALLY OWN CLOUD."

"Yeah, right," Tron chuckled, his eyes rolling as he did so.

"...so, Anti-Sora, when do we do...the thing?" the Riku-Replica chuckled.

"Ah, the thing? We shall do the thing when he commands it," Anti-Sora grinned. "And when he commands it to do the thing, we shall undertake the something to everyone, and then she will do the other thing to everyone else while we do the final thing to it that is everybody."

"WE'RE MYSTERIOUS, YAAAAAY!" the Riku-Replica laughed, with a ":D" expression on his face.

* * *

"OK, Xigbar, its time," Sai"X began.

"Dude, what's wrong with your name?" Xigbar sighed.

"DAMMIT STOP THAT!" Sai"X growled. "Look, whenever we see Roxas, you shoot him with your sniper rifle while the newbies distract them."

"I knew we had a reason for them!" Xigbar chuckled. "But how did we continue the Replica Program without Vexen?"

"You know Vexen: he leaves copies...so...many...copies..." Sai"X whimpered, before curling up into a ball and sucking his thumb, scared.

* * *

Riku continued flailing like crazy, before coming into the Dark Depths area.

"OK, I'm pretty sure I'm near Maleficent's castle no-!" Riku began, before tripping and falling off the edge of the Dark Depths.

"DAMMMMMN YOOOOU, BLINDDDFOOOLLLLDDDDD!" Riku screamed, before crashing into the ground. "Ow."

Behind Riku were the now appearing figures of Cxnik, Sin Juxt, Elinx, and Phosnext.

"OK, who's that guy?" Elinx asked. Below, Riku was fighting some Neoshadows, although he seemed to be killing them too easily.

"KEYBLADE ROID RAAAAAAGE!" Riku shouted, while continuing to kill the Neoshadows.

"Hack," Sin Juxt growled.

"OK, I'm going to go find something to do. Coming?" Cxnik asked.

"Sure," Phosnext sighed.

"Hey Elinx, wanna stalk that guy?" Sin Juxt asked.

"Eh, why not?" Elinx chuckled, before the two disappearing in two different Corridors of Darkness. In the meantime, Cxnik and Phosnext headed down for the Great Maw...

* * *

...at the same time Roxas, Anti-Sora, and the fanservice Replica appeared in the Great Maw via their own Corridor of Darkness.

"OK, this shouldn't fail in ANY aspect," Roxas chuckled. "You know, despite the fact we could've just teleported to the Castle That Never Was and everything..."

"Hey, is that Roxas?" Phosnext asked, with him and Cxnik arriving on the scene at that moment. "I mean, we haven't been briefed on how he looks. Xemnas just told us to look for a guy with spiky, blonde hair..."

"YOU ALL SUCK!" Cloud shouted, having appeared for a moment with many scratches on his skin, before leaving.

"Hey look! New Organization members!" the Riku-Replica shouted. "Let's kill them with my completely original and sexy fighting pose that has made all fangirls have an orgy at the mention of my name..."

Roxas: O.O

Anti-Sora: O~O

Phosnext: O,O

Cxnik: e,O

Sai"X: -_-

Xigbar: X_O

At that point, Roxas, Anti-Sora, and Phosnext were all shot by Xigbar at once. Xigbar reloaded his gun, his facial expression trying to return to his normal attitude.

"OK, reload..." Xigbar sighed.

"Nope," Anti-Sora chuckled, before unleashing a flurry of ownage upon Sai"X, Xigbar, Phosnext, and Cxnik all at once. The fanservice Replica and Roxas stared, their jaws gaping. Unfortunately, then Cxnik got a headache.

"AAAAAH! I KNEW I SHOULD'VE TAKEN SOME MEDICATION FOR THAT THIS MORNING!" Cxnik cried out, before breaking the 4th wall and knocking out Anti-Sora. "Oh, whaddya know? We won!"

"SCREW THAT!" Anti-Sora screamed, before teleporting Roxas, the fanservice Replica, and himself to a different location.

"...well, at least I'm not unconscio-!" Cxnik began, before falling unconscious.

* * *

In the meantime, Axel was sitting atop Twilight Town's clock tower, eating a bar of Sea Salt Ice Cream as he did so.

"Ice cream..._Kingdom Hearts _wouldn't be the same without it," Axel chuckled, before downing the entire bar in one bite. Axel then noticed a slip of paper next to him. Picking up the paper, Axel opened it and read it, surprised.

"OMG! The puppet actually learned how to write..." Axel mumbled, impressed, before being stricken by a Blizzagun ice cream headache.

* * *

Maleficent stood with her group of minions next to Hollow Bastion's Keyhole, which was somehow in the new castle instead of the old no for no explained reason. "Now, listen up everyone! We must be prepared for any sort of attack: especially against that traitorous Riku!" Maleficent forewarned. As if on cue, Riku ran into the room, crying.

"I HATE THIS BLINDFOLD!" Riku cried.

"Hey, I'm not too fond of you either pal!" Riku's blindfold shouted back.

"THIS is what we should be prepared for?" Jafar laughed.

"Oh shut up Jafar! You only appeared in a tiny cameo in the real story!" Oogie Boogie growled.

"Now Riku, prepare for my revenge!" Maleficent growled, before turning into her dragon form.

"Look out, it's a dragon!" Riku shouted. For some reason, Captain Hook then randomly turned into a wolf.

"Oh come on! No one reading this is going to get that reference!" Jafar growled.

"Shut up, cameo boy," Hades chuckled.

"Alright, let's get ready!" Riku growled. "You, me, this Keyblade, right here, right now, with no distractions what-so-ev-!"

Then Organization XIII appeared above everyone.

"HIIIIIIIIIIIII GUYSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" Demyx shouted.

"...goddamnit..." Riku growled.

"Oh, look, some random fools think they can stop-!" Maleficent began growling, before Xigbar swooped down and shot his arrowguns at her. Xemnas and Xaldin joined in with Xigbar, while Demyx and Ursula began having a water balloon fight, Luxord and Oogie Boogie began gambling away every penny everyone has in the entire story, and everyone else stood by idly and watched. While the chaos was going on, Riku quietly crawled over to the exit, where Sin Juxt and Elinx were waiting.

"Hey, now let's kill him!" Elinx suggested; however, before they could do that, two large balls of light blasted Sin Juxt and Elinx in the back, causing them to fly into the battle arena. Roxas, for some reason, passed by Riku in an outfit similar to Final Form.

"Um...what's going on?" Riku mumbled. Then all the Castle Oblivion Organization members (sans Axel), Namine, Anti-Sora, Anti-Roxas, and the fanservice Replica walked past Riku.

"Yeah, it's a plot twist," Zexion mumbled.

"DIDN'T YOU ALL DIE!" Riku screamed.

"I didn't die!" Namine cried.

"Shut up, Namine," Riku growled.

"Yes, sir..." Namine sighed. Roxas then appeared in the middle of the battlefield, before clearing his throat.

"Excuse me, everyone?" Roxas shouted. Organization XIII and Maleficent's group then stopped and looked at Roxas.

"Roxas?" Xemnas muttered. "Hey, finally we can take revenge on the-!"

Before Xemnas could finish, Roxas snapped his fingers and summoned a random boombox. Xemnas stared in confusion as Roxas inserted a disc labeled "Tales Of Knighthood."

"...Roxas, what are you doing?" Axel sighed, propping himself up against a wall while eating more ice cream. The boombox then began bursting out the song "Fight the Knight" from Sonic and the Black Knight, and then Roxas's face went from calm to insane.

"THE ORGANIZATION WILL DIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Roxas screamed at the top of his lungs, before going murderously insane and attacking the entire Organization sans Axel. Axel, Maleficent's group, and the Organization members on Roxas's side (as well as Riku, Namine, Leon, Yuffie, and Aerith) all gaped and stared in horror at Roxas, who was continuously slashing, attacking, and shooting light at the Organization.

"TAKE THIS! AND THAT! AND THIS!" Roxas screamed like an insane moron.

"...see, this is why fanboy rage isn't allowed in the creation of the mainstream series..." Namine huffed under her breath.

"Shut up, Namine," everyone growled.

"Yes, sirs and madams..." Namine sighed. Soon enough, Roxas slammed Xemnas into the ground and stabbed him in the chest where his heart would've been.

"Ha. It's funny because I stabbed you in the heart and you lack a heart," Roxas growled.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!" Xemnas screamed. "I HAVE A PHYSICAL ONE, IDIOT!"

"...oh," Roxas mumbled. Just then, Cxnik appeared over the entire area, his eyes glowing.

"DUES EX MACHINA OWNED CHARACTER ATTACK, GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Cxnik screamed, before teleporting everyone in the area away. Just then, DiZ walked in.

"...why do I always miss the parties...?" DiZ sighed. "Oh, hey look. A portal to Kingdom Hearts."

* * *

Roxas then ended up along with the others in Sora's pod room.

"Wow, this pod room sure looked smaller in Kingdom Hearts II..." Riku mumbled.

"What are you talking about?" Namine asked.

"Shut up, Namine," Riku growled.

"Yes, sir..." Namine sighed.

"...this is all Sora's fault!" Roxas shouted.

"Wait, what?" Axel gaped.

"OBVIOUSLY this is all his fault!" Roxas growled. "If Sora hadn't sacrificed his heart and his own life to save the woman he cared for, he wouldn't have created me and put me through all this torment! And if I hadn't been created because of Sora, all my angst would've have had to happen and I wouldn't be going through all this right now! SO SORA MUST DIE!"

Everyone: ಠ_ಠ

"...what? My logic is sound," Roxas huffed. Axel then stepped in front of Roxas.

"OOOOOOK, you're going way too out of character for fanfiction canon standards. Time to knock some sense into-!" Axel began, before being stabbed through the chest by Roxas.

Axel: O.O

Roxas: :3

"...what is it with you and stabbing things?" Axel sighed, before disappearing in a poof of smoke.

"Now to kill Sora," Roxas chuckled, before smashing Sora's memory pod. Sora fell out of the pod and onto the ground; upon doing so, Roxas raised his Keyblades with an insane grin on his face.

"OK, stop!" Namine shouted, before opening her notebook and teleporting some of the Organization, Sora's unconscious body, and Roxas away with herself. Maleficent's group, Riku, the fanservice Replica, and the Anti-forms all stared in shock.

"...so...pointless fight anyone?" Riku asked.

"Why not?" Anti-Sora agreed; with that, Riku and the remaining Organization members fought against the Anti-forms and the fanservice Replica for a while.

* * *

Roxas, his Organization allies, Namine, and Xemnas all landed next in Roxas's fading memory of Xion.

"AAAAAUGH THAT FREAKING HURTS! MY CHEST IS BLEEEEDIIINNNNGGG!" Xemnas screamed.

"SHUT UP, I'M BEING ANGST OVER XION'S DEATH!" Roxas cried.

**"Aren't you and Xion the same person?" INFERNOX asked.**

"Shut up, we are not!" Roxas cried. Then he turned around to see a memory version of him with the final moments of the memory Xion. In that instant, Roxas then realized what he had done.

"Oh my god...I JUST ACTED COMPLETELY OUT OF CHARACTER TO ADD POINTLESS ANGST TO A STORY WITH MORE TWISTS THAN A CONTORTIONIST!" Roxas screamed, before breaking down into tears. "Even this emotional ruse is OOC! WHY, FANFICTION, WHHHHYYYYYYY!"

And then, for no reason, the entire memory shatters and everyone in the memory is transported back to Maleficent's castle in Hollow Bastion. Just because.

* * *

Meanwhile, the fanservice Replica and the Anti-Forms were having trouble defeating probably about 12 enemies at once.

"HOW COULD WE POSSIBLY LOSE WITH THESE ODDS!" Anti-Sora growled. Just then, Anti-Roxas was trapped within one of Luxord's cards.

"...crap," Anti-Roxas growled.

"...OK, we're done," Anti-Sora sighed, before opening a Corridor of Darkness, grabbing the fanservice Replica, and leaving.

"COME BACK!" Anti-Roxas shouted.

"Looks like the cards aren't in your favor," Luxord joked.

"Don't make me play Lady Gaga," Anti-Roxas threatened.

"OH, GOD, NO!" Luxord cried.

"...do we serve a point to the story anymore?" Yuffie wondered.

"No, we...pretty much disappear at this point," Aerith noted.

"...wow, we suck in the series," Leon sighed. Then Leon, Aerith, and Yuffie were left behind as Riku (who was now Riku-Ansem...just because he could do that) and the remaining Organization members followed the three fleeing foes to The World That Never Was.

* * *

Roxas, Xemnas, Namine, and the other Organization members were then let out at Maleficent's castle.

"AAAAA OH MY GOD THAT HUUUUUURTS!" Xemnas screamed.

"Oh, hello, Roxas," DiZ growled.

"Who are you?" Roxas growled.

"An enigma with a facial condition which covers me with these red bandages," DiZ explained. "It's called "No-One-Likes-Your-Character Syndrome. I've suffered from it since Chain of Memories."

"Chain of what?" Roxas asked.

"He means that interquel," Marluxia explained.

"You mean the one that DOESN'T involve me?" Roxas gasped.

"Roxas, you were pretty much unconscious throughout the entire storyline of Chain of Memories," Namine pointed out.

"Shut up, Namine," Roxas growled.

"Yes, sir..." Namine sighed. Roxas then turned back to DiZ, obviously ticked.

"Now, tell me what you've done!" Roxas shouted.

"Nothing. Even in the canon, all I do is whine and then kill myself in the end for no reason," DiZ pointed out.

"...what do you mean by "canon?"" Roxas inquired.

"...cue pointless, never-fully-explained cutaway to another location important to the plot," DiZ announced. Upon that, a white flash of light sent everyone there (sans Maleficent's group) to different locations in The World That Never Was.

Then Maleficent's group finally spoke up.

"Fellow villains!" Maleficent spoke up. "It's time for us to go to their same location with no explanation of how we accurately got there, and we most likely will die upon entering there! WHO'S WITH ME!"

"...I AM!" Pete shouted.

"And we shall use our artificial Kingdom Hearts thing behind me here to do so, although we could just as easily go to other planets, kill their heroes, and spread our Heartless instead of doing this suicide attempt anyway! NOW, GET TO WORK DOING SOMETHING UNEXPLAINED!"

* * *

Xemnas was teleported to the front of Memory's Skyscraper, finally not falling from the sky.

"Oh, thank God..." Xemnas sighed.

"There is no God in this series," Marluxia laughed, as he and Larxene walked up to Xemnas.

"...uh...about that Castle Oblivion fiasco..." Xemnas chuckled.

"YEAH, IN YOUR F****** FACE, XEMNAS!" Marluxia screamed. "WOOOOOOOOOOO~!"

With that, Marluxia began acting like an intoxicated frat boy (is that some form of double statement?) around Xemnas, while Larxene pointed and laughed. INFERNOX decided to finally kill Xemnas to end his pain.

"THANK YOU!" Xemnas cried as he began to fade.

"By the way, your anagram is Mansex. The fanbase says so," Larxene mocked.

"GODDAMMIT FANBASE!" Xemnas screamed, before he disappeared forever. Marluxia and Larxene then high-fived each other, before Maleficent's gang randomly appeared nearby.

"HA! Now Kingdom Hearts, despite it already being in our possession back at Hollow Bastion, will be ours again!" Maleficent shouted.

"...you guys are morons," Zexion sighed.

"Yeah!" Riku shouted. "NOW WE MUST D-D-D-D-!"

"NO!" everyone screamed.

"D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-DUEL!" Riku shouted, before throwing a Castle Oblivion card at Maleficent. It merely bounced off of Maleficent harmlessly.

Maleficent: ಠ_ಠ

Riku: :3

Upon that fail of an attack, Maleficent turned into Dragon Maleficent, Marluxia got atop his Nobody Reaper, the Anti-Forms sulked away to hide themselves, and everyone just began beating the crap out of each other in a very confusing three-way brawl that made passersby heads' explode.

* * *

DiZ stood atop the Memory's Skyscraper, observing the entire fight.

"How foolish," DiZ growled.

"This coming from you, ayup!" the King growled, apparently right next to DiZ. Then Aqua walked up from behind them.

"Foolish indeed," Aqua agreed.

"...you had, what, 15 chapters to show up in this 23-chapter series, and you chose NOW to make your appearance?" DiZ sighed.

"And with it, I bring Birth By Sleep spoilers," Aqua chuckled.

"...the fans aren't going to like this..." DiZ sighed.

"Be quiet. None of them will suspect me while they still are on the stage of Roxas and Ventus looking similar. I should be pretty much unnoticed," Aqua reassured.

* * *

Roxas laid at the edge of the Alley To Between, with the unconscious Sora lying nearby. Roxas soon woke up and turned to Sora, whom was asleep still.

"...great, now the fans are going to have another idea for a yaoi scenario that makes little to no sense," Roxas sighed, before picking up Sora. Draping Sora's arm over his shoulder, Roxas began carrying him towards The World That Never Was. Along the way, the OC's from before appeared before Roxas.

"...so, what, you gonna kill me?" Roxas growled.

"No. We're needed back on the set of Sonic's Reality Check," Alexx answered.

"Stupid blatant self-promotions..." Roxas sighed. "So, how are you going to write yourselves out of the series?"

"Simple. We shall give our powers to you, although considering we had little impact on the plot, you won't get much," Sin Juxt pointed out. Upon this mention, all of the OC's then died, and Roxas was powered up with their strength.

"SWEET! I have glow-in-the-dark eyes now!" Roxas cheered. "...hey, where aren't there any generic random-encounter-esque enemies around here? Oh, well. Easy travel."

With that, Roxas continued making his way through the Dark City, but he then came across the large battle scene; his eyes widened, but then he sighed. Flipping up his cloak, Roxas just began dragging Sora across the battlefield. For some odd reason, despite being sticking out like a sore thumb, all the shots kept missing him and no one paid him any heed. Upon reaching the other side, however, the fanservice Replica stopped him.

"Hey you!" the Riku Replica shouted. "Prepare to fight!"

"Uh..." Roxas mumbled. "I kinda can't right now."

"Why not!" the Riku Replica shouted.

"Uh, er...I'm...the secret boss in Kingdom Hearts: Birth By Sleep," Roxas lied.

"You're not the Vanitas Sentiment!" the Riku-Replica pointed out.

"The American and North European one," Roxas corrected. Then the fanservice Replica gasped.

"OH...MAH...GAWD...sorry for bothering you man!" the Riku-Replica cried out, before running away screaming like a little girl.

"...huh," Roxas chuckled. "I should check on those Kingdom Hearts Wikia updates more often."

With that, Roxas then began to continue carrying Sora towards The Castle That Never Was.

* * *

Roxas managed to reach the top of The Castle That Never Was, with Sora still uselessly dangling next to him. Upon reaching the top, he came across the King, DiZ, and Aqua.

"Hello, Roxas," DiZ growled.

"Hello, pointless characters," Roxas smirked. Roxas then lied Sora down on the ground, before sticking up both his Keyblades to Kingdom Hearts and freeing all the hearts from Organization XIII's control. "Xion...I finally did it...I completed your dying wish..."

**"Aren't you and Xion the same person?" INFERNOX asked.**

"Shut up, we are not!" Roxas cried, before raising his Keyblades to commit suicide.

"Woah! Roxas, what're you doing! This is also Disney territory too!" the King warned. "If Walt hears about this, Square's as good as 4Kids!"

"Aren't they called Toonzai now?" Aqua noted.

"EXACTLY!" the King shouted. "Don't kill yourself!"

"Think about it, King," Roxas chuckled. "Sora "killed" himself before, right? He came back. Soooo...if I do this, I can either wake up Sora and Xion, or possibly create some other version of me that goes through an angsty life as well!"

"...let's hope that doesn't turn out to be the plot of any future Kingdom Hearts games..." DiZ sighed. "...hey! What's happening to the hearts!"

"Huh?" Roxas mumbled; stopping his attempted suicide for a moment, Roxas turned to face the Memory's Skyscraper. Upon seeing the skyscraper, his eyes widened; all the hearts were gathering there! "WHAT! You've gotta be kidding me..."

* * *

"What's going on!" Marluxia growled.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" Anti-Sora laughed. "OUR...or rather, the Dark Queen's...PLAN WORKED!"

"What?" Zexion mumbled.

"It's simple really!" Anti-Roxas chuckled. "You've been deceived by the very beginning!"

"By who?" Lexaeus sighed. "Lemme guess. Xion's apparently been alive this whole time and plans to kill us all for putting her through hell."

"No, wait," the fanservice Replica spoke up. "Kairi randomly appears, doesn't she?"

"Hold it!" Vexen shouted. "It's obviously going to be either Yuffie or Aerith!"

"...what about Aqua?" Demyx noted.

"Shut up, water boy," Larxene growled. "You're only saying that because her name is water-related and you have water powers."

"...does that mean you're making a one-shot about us!" Demyx giggled, his face stuck in a ":D" expression. Larxene got extremely irritated and got her electric kunais prepared, before Namine (now with purple hair and wearing a black dress) appeared between both Anti-Forms.

"...in case you're wondering, this IS the form Merlina takes as the "Dark Queen" in Sonic and the Black Knight," Namine chuckled. "I just took this form to look evil and appealing in the fanboy eyes."

"Shut up, Namine," everyone shouted.

"YOU SHUT UP!" Namine screamed. Upon this retort, a bunch of Unversed appeared around everyone, although due to INFERNOX's lack of knowledge in Birth By Sleep, no specific Unversed are mentioned, and they are also mistranslated as Universed.

"OH GOD NO!" everyone screamed. Namine then snapped her fingers, and in a total of 10 minutes, most of the Organization (be they rebel or not) as well as all of Maleficent's group are killed by the Unversed. Not only that, but Anti-Roxas and Anti-Sora both began fusing together. Upon this fusion, Roxas and his group stumbled upon the scene.

"What's going on Namine!" Roxas shouted.

"AN EXTREMELY OUT OF CHARACTER MOMENT!" Namine revealed.

"NOOOOOOOO!" Roxas cried out; the fusion of the Anti-Forms then spawned to become Vanitas, all back in his Unversed glory.

"HAHAHAHAHA! NOW THE WORLD SHALL TREMBLE BEFORE MY-!" Vanitas began; Roxas then took Sora and somehow managed to fuse with him, gaining Ventus's clothing and three Keyblades as a result.

"...goddamnit," Vanitas growled. Ventus-Roxas then somehow managed to enter the Awakening with Vanitas; Vanitas just smirked. "You cannot defeat me Ventus! My powers are godly! I AM AN UNVERSED LORD!"

"I AM A MAN!" Ventus-Roxas screamed, before punching Vanitas in the gut. Somehow this causes an epic proportion of explosions that sends them both into the regular time. Vanitas fell to the ground, unconscious, while Ventus-Roxas landed gracefully, now holding the completed X-Blade.

"...whee, Imma epic," Ventus-Roxas laughed.

"No, you're not," Namine growled, before absorbing all of the hearts of Kingdom Hearts that were circumnavigating the top of the Memory's Skyscraper the entire time. With that, Namine then disappeared, creating a large door leading to Kingdom Hearts's interior, much like the canonical end to Kingdom Hearts II.

"Crap! We've all gotta stop her!" Ventus-Roxas shouted.

"FOOLS!" Vanitas shouted. "YOU SHALL NEVER STOP THE UNVERSED-!"

With that random burst of self-inflation, Ventus-Roxas, Aqua, the King, and Zexion all shot a beam of light that killed Vanitas once and for all.

"What the hell was I supposed to be for anyway...?" Vanitas cried, before disappearing in a puff of smoke.

"NOW we've all gotta stop her!" Ventus-Roxas shouted.

"We can't," Aqua noted.

"Why not?" Ventus-Roxas asked.

"We need to get Riku back, I'm low on Command Styles, Zexion's grieving over how he just realized Ansem the Wise, who was DiZ, is actually his stepfather, and if we don't leave The World That Never Was now, we will all be attacked by flaming fanboys and fangirls alike who think we have raped the franchise repeatedly with this incessant what-if fic."

"Remember when the fic's premise was because Roxas beat Riku...? That was a good time..." the King sighed. "Welp, bye!"

With that, Aqua, an unconscious Riku, Zexion, and the King all left for the Destiny Islands, leaving Ventus-Roxas physically alone to fight Dark Namine.

"...FFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUU-!" Ventus-Roxas screamed at the top of his lungs.

* * *

Ventus-Roxas, after having fended over a thousand angry Kingdom Hearts fanatics, walked into the center of Kingdom Hearts in the final battle room where in the regular canon, Final Form Xemnas is fought.

"OK, Namine! I've had it up to the highest position in Square's AND Disney's top seats combined with this fic! Come out and fight like a Nobody!"

"...clever words..." Namine growled, before appearing before Ventus-Roxas with her notebook in hand. "But too late. Roxas. My notebook can bend reality. Anything I write in it becomes real. And now...your end has come!"

"OH, WHAT THE F*** KIND OF OVERPOWERING ABILITY IS THAT!" Ventus-Roxas screamed. However, before Namine could write Ventus-Roxas out of the fic, the notebook bounded out of her hands, with apparently a picture of Xion's face on it.

"Hiya, Roxas!" Xion chuckled, in the form of Namine's notebook. That's right. She's a notebook now. DEAL WITH IT.

"...WHAT!" both Dark Namine and Ventus-Roxas screamed.

"...yeah, I don't get it either," Xion-Notebook sighed. "Something about memories and all that crap..."

With that, Namine angrily sliced up the Xion-Notebook. "TAKE THAT, YOU STUPID NOTEBOOK!" Namine laughed.

"XION!" Ventus-Roxas cried out. "OK...**NOW YOU'RE DEAD!**"

"...oh crap...o.o," Namine mumbled. "RUN! RUN AWAY!"

With that, Namine transformed into her final form and disappeared; unfortunately for her, Ventus-Roxas managed to follow her in her escape, and they both landed, somehow FLYING without the use of any kind of Aero-magic, above the waters of Destiny Islands. On the shorelines, Aqua, Zexion, and the King all were tending to the unconscious Riku when they saw those two appear; almost immediately, a storm began brewing, filled with lightning, thunder, an angry ocean, and over-the-top 2012-ness.

"Holy Hearts!" the King shouted.

"What do we do?" Zexion asked. Aqua just got out a boombox. "...oh no..."

"Oh yeah," Aqua chuckled, before playing What I'm Made Of by Crush 40. Immediately the music began blaring out, and Ventus-Roxas and Dark Namine began fighting to the death in an epic series of attacks, despite the fact they were in the air for some unexplained reason.

* * *

Meanwhile on the mainland part of Destiny Islands, Kairi looked out at the rough oceans with several other people, gasping.

"Is that another hurricane?" Kairi asked. "I'd better go check it out!"

With that, Kairi then ran out towards the beach, because that was obviously the safest place to be under hurricane-like conditions.

* * *

Ventus-Roxas and Dark Namine continued their fighting struggle in the air; it looked like Dark Namine was winning. However, before Dark Namine could kill Ventus-Roxas, Aqua (in her Keyblade Armor...somehow), Zexion, a conscious Riku, and the King (the latter three on Aqua's Keyblade Ride...somehow) all approached Dark Namine. The four of them began to attack Dark Namine alongside Ventus-Roxas.

"YAHH!" Aqua shouted.

"TAKE THIS!" Zexion huffed.

"RAH!" the King yelled.

"I WON'T LOSE IT ALL!" Riku announced.

"You won't stop me!" Dark Namine gloated.

"SHUT UP, NAMINE!" Roxas growled, before slicing directly through her for the final time...wait, what?

"Yes, sir..." Namine cried, before deforming and beginning to fade while falling to the ocean. While she was falling, a transparent version of Xion appeared in front of her.

"Hey," Xion noted. "So, wanna continue to live on in Sora's subconscious?"

"After all I did...?" Namine cried.

"Why not?" Xion smiled.

"...sure," Namine sighed, happy. "But...wait...isn't this ripping off that Final Fantasy movie?"

**"Wait, there was a Final Fantasy movie?" INFERNOX asked. "I didn't know that when I was writing this..."**

"...wow, you ripped off something without knowing it," Xion sighed.

"Enjoy the fan complaints," Namine chuckled, before taking Xion's hand. With that, the physical embodiment of Namine disappeared, but her spirit (along with Xion's) fused with Sora's mind. Back in the real world, the heroes all got off on the beach, with the conveniently epic storm setting disappearing just as ambiguously as it came.

"Gosh! You all did great!" the King laughed.

"Yep! And now..." Ventus-Roxas chuckled, before falling face-first to the ground. Ventus-Roxas began glowing, and Ventus's appearance disappeared, replacing it with Sora's body, whom began twitching, as if Sora was waking up.

"...oh yeah...when Nobodies use all of their power up, they fade away..." Riku mumbled.

"Hey guys!" Kairi shouted, running up apparently dry...somehow.

"Ugh..." Sora mumbled; Sora then got up and spat out some sand. "What happened...?"

"Oh, you were just unconscious FOR THE ENTIRE DAMN FIC!" Riku screeched. "No pressure."

"WHAT!" Sora cried.

"...uh, guys...we have a bigger problem..." Zexion sighed, getting off of his cell phone. "SEGA just called. They don't like us using songs that debuted in their games without their permission, so either Kingdom Hearts has to be cancelled forever, or this entire fanfiction has to be reverted for no explained reason."

"...but isn't there some story to this what-if after-?" Aqua began.

"REVERT IT NOW!" Zexion shouted.

"REVERTING!" Riku shouted.

"...and this time, MAKE ME A MAJOR CHARACTER!" Sora cried.

* * *

After the entire fic was unexplainably reverted to fit in with the canon, Roxas was shown standing atop the Memory's Skyscraper.

"Now...to fight my other, and see if he's ready to take on Xemnas," Roxas growled, before using a Corridor of Darkness to go down to the ground floor. Once there, Sora, Donald, and Goofy, whom had just arrived, saw Roxas; Donald and Goofy were restrained, while Sora was transported to the Awakening.

"Now...let's see what you're made of!" Roxas shouted.

In less than thirteen seconds, Roxas was made mince meat due to Sora overpowering himself with AP Boosts, Magic Boosts, Strength Boosts, and Hi-Potions before the battle.

"HA HA I CAN CUSTOMIZE MY ITEMS!" Sora laughed. Upon the humiliating loss to Sora, Sora, Donald, and Goofy continued on their merry way to murder the rest of Organization XIII. Roxas, now just transparent due to his body having joined with Sora's, smiled.

"You did good, Roxas...you did good..." Roxas sighed, relieved that his journey was now over.

* * *

"AAAH!" Saix shouted, sitting up straight in his bed as he did so. Xemnas, tired, woke up next to him.

"What is it?" Xemnas mumbled.

"I just had...this horrid nightmare..." Saix mumbled. "Roxas defeated Riku at the end of 358/2 Days, I was demoted, the Xem-aldin yaoi fanbase was promoted over the Saix-nes fanbase, Namine turned into Merlina, and there were too many pointless Birth By Sleep spoilers!"

"...go to sleep Saix," Xemnas sighed. "There's no such thing as a Xem-aldin yaoi fanbase..."

"Yes...no such thing...no such thing..." Saix whimpered, before falling back asleep. The camera then panned back to Xigbar, whose lone eye was lowered.

"...Sora's invading the castle," Xigbar explained. Xemnas then shot out of his bed, still in his pajamas.

"DESTROY THE KEYBLADE WIELDER!" Xemnas screamed, before he, Saix, and Xigbar all ran out to get to their respective boss battle areas for the Kingdom Hearts canon fights.

**..and that's the completely summarized, completely accurate, and surprisingly true fanfiction of my own Kingdom Hearts: For True Story! As a side-note, I am only Abridging my own completed fics. As of now, this will remain at one chapter UNTIL I finish another fanfiction, so when I finish another one of my fanfictions, stay tuned for this to update! :D**


	2. Sweet Dreams Abridged

**I had actually forgotten I had completed two fics in the last couple of months. So, for your viewing pleasure, here's my abridged versions of my one-shot stories! First up: Sweet Dreams: Abridged!**

_Chapter Two: Sweet Dreams_

Charmy the Bee stood atop a tree branch, holding a pair of binoculars and looking into Cream's home. "Well, this certainly isn't a strange way to open a pairing fanfic!" Charmy laughed.

"Did someone say pairings?" Vanilla giggled from below.

"Uh-oh," Charmy muttered; looking down he saw Vanilla staring up at him, smiling.

"Is it with me?" Vanilla asked.

"Uh...no, the fic's pairing is myself and your daughter..." Charmy mumbled.

"...wow, no one ever tries to at least write a nice pairing with myself and Vector," Vanilla sighed. "Well, I guess I should go now."

"Go?" Charmy asked. "Aren't you supposed to yell at me for sneaking on your property?"

"Nah, besides the plot's happening," Vanilla noted.

"Plot?" Charmy wondered. At that point Eggman flew down in his Eggmobile, grinning.

"Whahahaha! My latest plot for world domination involves kidnapping a small rabbit! This is TOTALLY not a prelude to the first episode of Sonic X!" Eggman laughed, before grabbing Cream using a mechanical arm and flying off with her.

"Aaaah! Save me!" Cream cried out.

"Chao chao!" Cheese cried, floating after Cream.

"Oh no! One of my friends was just kidnapped! There's only one thing to do!" Charmy growled.

* * *

"ESSSSPIOOOOOOOO!" Charmy cried, tugging on Espio's arm as he cried. "DOOOO SOMEEEETHING!"

"...Vector, help me out here," Espio growled.

"Not right now Espio!" Vector smirking, typing on a laptop. "I'm busy on Charmy's forum!"

"Wait I have a forum?" Charmy asked.

"Yeah! You know, with that chick Marlene that you love! Oh, and I'm also a pianist as well as a singer of old musical tunes!" Vector laughed. Charmy's eyes then widened, before dashing over and snatching the laptop.

"Uh, heheh, that's kinda personal for me, y'know..." Charmy mumbled, blushing a bit. Espio angrily tapped his foot, staring right at Charmy.

"Charmy...what have you been doing on the internet?" Espio growled.

"Uuuh..." Charmy nervously chuckled.

* * *

FIVE MINUTES LATER

Charmy was lying on his bed in his room, locked in completely.

"...I hate being the youngest..." Charmy sighed.

* * *

In the meantime, Eggman flew aboard his ship, smiling evilly as he put Cream in a circular capsule.

"Now, to unveil my latest world domination plan!" Eggman hooted. "All I need to do is simply activate Silver Sonic version 2 and destroy Sonic once and for all!"

"But won't Sonic just use the same strategy as before?" Cream wondered.

"Noooo~!" Eggman chuckled, somehow turning his face into a troll face.

"How so?" Cream asked again.

"I put in laser eyes!" Eggman laughed.

"...can't Sonic jump over those?" Cream pointed out.

"...SILENCE!" Eggman hooted.

"You know Sonic's obviously gonna win," Cream explained.

"NOOOO NO HE WON'T!" Eggman shouted.

"But-!" Cream tried to add.

"IGNORE!" Eggman laughed.

Cream merely sighed and facepalmed at this. "_This'll turn out to be interesting, I can tell..._" Cream sighed.

* * *

"Can I come out now?" Charmy sighed.

"No!" Espio and Vector shouted. Vector was back on the laptop, still reading the forum.

"Wooow...apparently I opened a rift in some house on the second floor! Why don't these guys ever explore the second floor?" Vector sighed.

"Guys, you do know Eggman kidnapped Cream, right?" Charmy yelled.

"Until I get motivation, I'm reading this forum!" Vector growled. Vanilla then ran in, scared.

"Vector, my daughter's been kidnapped by Eggman!" Vanilla cried. Vector then bounded over the desk and the laptop, landing behind Vanilla.

"I shall rescue her with the help of Sonic and Tails, Miss Vanilla!" Vector laughed. "When Team Chaotix is on the job, nothing goes wrong!"

Charmy gaped from behind his door, before slamming his head on the door. "Why me?" Charmy sighed.

"Chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarmy," a mysterious voice echoed in Charmy's head. Charmy jumped, wondering what that noise was.

"Who's there!" Charmy cried out. A holographic form of Silver's head then appeared next to Charmy, smiling happily.

"I wish I was a bird!" Silver's holographic head laughed.

"...Silver?" Charmy asked.

"No, I'm a figment of your imagination!" Silver's head explained.

"So Sonic 06 WAS retconned?" Charmy wondered.

"N-No! I'm in Rivals, remember!" Silver's head growled. "Anyways, here's the lowdown. You gotta prove yourself to be a man by saving a fried of yours from an airship."

"How do I do that?" Charmy asked.

"You must sneak onboard Tails's flying ship, the Tornado!" Silver's head announced.

"Seriously?" Charmy questioned.

"NO WAY!" Silver's head shouted, before coughing. "Er, sorry...that was an obscure joke from another fanfic and a meme...anyways, yes, that's what you have to do."

"OK, but how do I escape the door?" Charmy pointed out.

"Do you expect me to be a mix of Omochao and Chris Thorndyke!" Silver's head yelled. "Figure it out!"

At that point, the Silver head disappeared completely. Charmy scratched his chin for a moment, before a lightbulb appeared above his head and then crashed down on his head. "Ouch..." Charmy mumbled, before charging out an open window.

"HAHA SUCCESS!" Charmy laughed, before flying into a thick patch of woods, heading for Tails's workshop in the Mystic Ruins as fast as he could.

* * *

Sonic and Tails were working on the Tornado 2 outside of Tails's workshop; while that was going on, Charmy flew towards them both, except with a box over him.

"No one will suspect it!" Charmy giggled, somehow going under the Tornado 2 as he did so.

"Hey Sonic did you see that box...?" Tails asked.

"Nah, it's nothing," Sonic chuckled. Before Tails could question further, Vector and Espio ran up, panting.

"Sonic, Tails, Eggman kidnapped Cream!" Vector shouted. "Can we use your ship to save them?"

"Sure, but I'm driving," Tails noted. Sonic, Tails, Vector, and Espio all then jumped into the Tornado 2; Tails started it up and launched off of the cliffside, with Charmy hanging under the Tornado 2 as he did so.

"Perfectly safe," Charmy giggled.

* * *

After a couple minutes of flying in the air, Sonic and the group came across Eggman's latest flying ship, the Egg Fanname-Not-Found dot jpeg.

"There it is! Let's go!" Sonic smirked.

"Ah, finally..." Charmy sighed. Unfortunately, Eggman did a smart move and shot missiles everywhere, surprising the group. Silver's head appeared next to Charmy, weaing a Peppy mask from Star Fox.

"DO A PREDICTABLE MEME!" Silver's head shouted, for some reason sporting an Awesome Face. Tails's Tornado 2 then began to spin around uncontrollably while avoiding the missiles, making Charmy hold on for dear life.

"AAAAAAAAAAAH!" Charmy cried.

"Charmy?" Espio wondered.

"NO I'M JUST A BILL!" Charmy shouted.

"School House Rock? Oh I love that movie!" Vector laughed. "It teaches you outdated Constitution antics! Amazing stuff right Espio?"

Before Espio could answer, the Tornado 2 flew over the ship; however, Charmy fell off, crashed through a grate, and ended up inside the ship.

"...wow that was surprisingly simple," Charmy smirked. "Now to infiltrate..."

Charmy then donned a Solid Snake outfit and began crawling through the ship, sneaking through ventilation systems as he did so.

"Dun dun dun dun dun, dun dun dun DUN!" Charmy hummed as he crawled through the ship. Soon enough, Silver Sonic 2 walked up to Charmy, staring down angrily at him.

"TARGET ACQUIRED. MUST RID THE PLOT," Silver Sonic mumbled.

"AH!" Charmy screamed, with a "!" appearing above his head as he did so. Silver Sonic 2 then began firing bullets at Charmy, whom dodged by flying around extremely fast. "THIS ISN'T GOOD FOR ME! I'M ALLERGIC TO BULLETS!"

"YOU SHOULD'VE TAKEN YOUR PILLS," Silver Sonic 2 mentioned.

"Pills here!" Louis from Left 4 Dead shouted. After that pointless cameo, Charmy rounded about Silver Sonic 2, still being chased by the almost endless stream of bullets, before getting an idea.

"Wait..._maybe I can slowly get closer and dismantle his sight..._" Charmy said and thought, respectively. Charmy then managed to grab Silver Sonic on the head; reaching into his head for circuitry, Charmy began pulling out random wires in a crazed manner. Soon enough, Silver Sonic 2 began malfunctioning like crazy, and Charmy took this opportunity to escape.

"Haha escape successful!" Charmy smirked. After Charmy had left, Sonic ran in and smashed into the malfunctioning Silver Sonic 2, destroying it in one smash.

"Too easy! Piece of cake!" Sonic laughed. "C'mon, step it up!"

"We would if you would stop taunting us," Espio growled.

"You're too slow!" Sonic shouted.

"No one can ever escape it," Vector sighed. "Unless we find that computer room. Then we can disable it."

Espio facepalmed.

* * *

Charmy flew directly into Eggman's control room, where Cream and him were at the moment.

"Ha, so Sonic you've fallen into my tr-CHARMY!" Eggman gasped.

"Charmy!" Cream gasped.

"Chao!" Cheese gasped as well.

"...why is everyone so surprised? There's more than one hero in the Sonic franchise," Charmy sighed.

"...well, it doesn't matter! I shall defeat you and-!" Eggman began, before being interrupted by Sonic bursting into the room.

"SONIC'S THE NAME, SPEED'S MY GAME!" Sonic shouted, running right into Eggman's Eggmobile and spamming his Homing Attack.

"HEY GET OFF!" Eggman shouted. While Sonic and Eggman had their fight, Charmy flew over to Cream's holding pod and jumped atop of it, before popping it open like any capsule in any Sonic game.

"OK, Cream, let's get you out of here," Charmy exclaimed.

"Ahem!" Espio's voice cleared. Charmy and Cream turned to Espio, whom was wearing a blue suit and blue ski mask, and for some reason was hoisting Silver Sonic 2 over his shoulder.

"Gentlemen," Espio chuckled, before the Team Fortress 2 theme played as the words "Meet The Chaotix" appeared in front of the screen.

"...OK then," Cream muttered. "May I please go home now?"

"Sure, let's go," Charmy shuddered.

"Hold it, bee boy," Espio growled. "You're grounded for leaving your room despite saving Cream."

"Aw come on that logic is so flawed!" Charmy cried.

"Hey guys I found the computer room!" Vector chuckled, somehow inside Eggman's Eggmobile.

"...OK, let's get out of here NOW," Sonic mumbled. Sonic, Charmy, Espio, and Cream all ran to a hole in the wall created during the brawling, and Tails flew up in his Tornado 2.

"OK guys, let's go before the ship goes down!" Tails chuckled. Everyone jumped onto the Tornado 2 (as well as Vector, although he crashed into the ground when trying to use the Eggmobile and the explosion sent him flying into the plane), and they all got out of there quickly.

"I HATE THAT HEDGEHOG!" Eggman screamed. "AND THAT BEE TOO! I HAVE ALLERGIES TO YOUR KIND BECAUSE OF YOUR LITTLE STING RANT IN SONIC HEROES, CHARMY!"

Silver Sonic 2, damaged significantly, then stood up and aimed his guns at Eggman. "YOU SHOULD'VE TAKEN YOUR PILLS," Silver Sonic 2 growled monotonously.

"Pills here!" Louis shouted.

* * *

The Tornado 2 flew directly over Vanilla's house; the ecstatic older rabbit looked on in joy as the Chaotix and Cream all safely jumped out of the plane and landed in the front lawn, safe and sound.

"Hey, Cream's safe now!" Charmy announced.

"Oh thank you Vector!" Vanilla squealed as she hugged her daughter and her pet Chao Cheese.

"Mommy!" Cream smiled.

"Chao!" Cheese laughed.

"...don't I get noticed...?" Charmy mumbled.

"Oh you're getting noticed alright," Espio growled.

* * *

FIVE MINUTES LATER

Charmy lied down in his bedroom, this time with wood panels over the window panel and the door locked.

"...I really hate you Espio..." Charmy growled. Vector then knocked on Charmy's door loudly.

"Char-my!" Vector shouted. "I respect your privacy by knocking, but assert my power as your authority figure by coming in anyway!"

With that, Vector slammed into the room using a pillar that had two handles nailed into it. Vector dropped the pillar to the ground and came over to Charmy, holding a package.

"You know, you guys could've just unlocked my door..." Charmy sighed. Vector gave the package to Charmy, smiling.

"I need you to deliver this care package to Vanilla," Vector ordered.

"Care package? What does it contain?" Charmy wondered.

"Some odds and ends of that forum I read," Vector smiled. "I can't believe I endorsed a fight between a tiny fox and a sorcerer's apprentice...why didn't it happen in real life!"

"Fine I'll deliver it..." Charmy sighed; Charmy then took the package and flew over to Cream's house in a matter of minutes. Once there, he knocked on the door; Cream opened it up, smiling.

"Hiya Charmy," Cream giggled. Charmy held out the care package, smiling.

"Hey, I'm here to deliver this package," Charmy smiled.

"Aw thank you Charmy," Cream smiled, before pecking his cheek. Charmy's antennae then straightened up, and then Charmy took off hissing like an air balloon, before crashing back into the Chaotix Detective Agency.

"Dude...I just got kissed by a girl..." Charmy gasped.

"Congratulations!" Vector laughed, back on the laptop. "Let's hope Marlene likes double-timers though!"

"WHO'S MARLENE!" Charmy shouted. Then Silver's head appeared.

"Oh, she's Naturegal327's owned character," Silver's head explained. "After all, this Abridged chapter is based off of a fanfiction that was made for her anyway, so its obvious she'd appear as a cameo."

"...ooookay," Charmy sighed. "Can this chapter get any more boring with these inside jokes?"

"Actually, yes," Silver's head smirked. "Because, well, this is a telepathic message."

"A message? You mean you're the real Silver?" Charmy wondered.

"Yes...now, uh, can you help me?" Silver's head nervously asked.

"Why? What's up?" Charmy wondered.

* * *

The final scene cut to Silver stuck in a tree, hugging it tight as he focused his psychokinetic powers to contact Charmy. Beneath him at the base of a tree was Bokkun, dressed as a bear, roaring at Silver.

"RRRAAAWR!" Bokkun growled. "I'm a bear! That's a nice pic-a-nic basket you got there! Hand it over, with all the candy you have! RAAAAWR!"

"SOMEONE HELP ME!" Silver screamed. A transparent Blaze's head then appeared next to Silver, sighing.

"I would, but I'm not in this one-shot," Blaze's head explained.

"FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUU-!" Silver screamed.

**And that's what happens when you abridge a one-shot fic. Next up: my OTHER one-shot fic I made for a school project! That's right! Next up is Abridged Reminiscence!**


End file.
